I first saw Vanilla in 2003 and was attracted to her at first site. She was physically attractive, but there was something more. My DNA screamed at me for her. My partner, who I will call Chocolate, became family friends with Vanilla and her partner over the next few years. I maintained a healthy boundary, but I recognized in different circumstances Vanilla would be my girl. Chocolate and Vanilla became best friends and I thought this was sort of weird, since I was so attracted to her, but it also felt very natural. Vanilla started working for us, so we spent a fair bit of time with just the three of us.
I could never imagine myself leaving Chocolate, but there was a desire in me for other women. Stimulated by the TV series “Big Love” I considered an alternative reality where I had multiple wives. This too felt very natural to me. In fact it felt like I was born for it, but I also couldn’t imagine who would be able to fit into the role… except Vanilla. She was my perfect second wife.
In 2008 I was still very happy in my relationship with Chocolate and we had been together for 10 years. She gave me a lot of freedom and didn’t require sexual fidelity from me if I kept it separate from our life together. We had one kid together and one on the way. I needed to go away for business/pleasure, but Chocolate was 38 weeks pregnant. If I could find someone that could do a better job than me of looking after Chocolate in her final weeks of pregnancy then it would be win win. I was there for our son’s birth, and even delivered him, under the instruction of the midwife. This was great as a novel experience, but only needed to be done once. Pregnancy was women’s business and I had no inclination to be there if Chocolate was safe and looked after.
The only person I could think of was Vanilla, but we had lost contact with her for over a year as she had left her partner and gone travelling Australia with her new man. I didn’t even have her number. I rang her ex and got her number and she said she would love to come and stay with Chocolate while I was away. She too thought she could do a better job than me, her words were. “Pregnancy is women’s business, we don’t need you, you are better off away”. I hung up the phone and it dawned on me that the only girl I had ever fantasized about having as my second wife was coming to stay with my partner while pregnant with my child. This was something I had imagined. I could see in my mind these two beautiful women nurturing each other through pregnancy.
After the birth of our new daughter Chocolate and Vanilla became best friends again. Not long after I made my intentions known to both of them that I wanted Vanilla to be my girlfriend, as well as Chocolate. This sent us on a challenging path. It took over a year for them to agree and then it only lasted a few months. I blamed them and they blamed me. Even though I was only sleeping with Vanilla for those few months, the three of us did spend a lot of time together for about 3 years.
Eventually me and Chocolate separated and I went on a mostly solitary path believing I was never going to get a better scenario that what I had. I fulfilled my sexual desires by travelling to Asia regularly and throwing myself deep in my work. I was pretty happy with this. I believed deep down that the three of us would get another chance when we were older and wiser, and since I was having fun in the meantime, I was happy to be patient.
Through a series of events I got into daygame in October 2015. Not long after I swallowed the red pill and have been digesting it ever since. I was able to look back at how I handled the situation with Chocolate and Vanilla and realized all my chodey behavior. I was too reactive and emotional to them resisting our polygamous relationship. And because I didn’t have game I was dependent on only them for my sexual and romantic needs.
I quickly realized that if I was to get good at game from cold approach I would be so much more attractive to them. Because I had other sexual options I would be desired by them much more and the 1000’s of approaches and 100’s of dates I would need to do to get good would give me the exposure I needed to stop being so reactive and needy with women.
I thought how ironic the path to getting the girls I want is to approach and fuck as many other girls as I can. It’s only ironic because of my blue pill conditioning. It now makes a lot more sense.
I hadn’t spoken to Vanilla for years and either had Chocolate. Even though we weren’t living together Chocolate and I were still very close and shared parenting, business, and often a bed. It was easier on our relationship if Chocolate didn’t speak to Vanilla. Also Vanilla had got mixed up with a low-life boyfriend and his low-life friends and was off her face a lot anyway on drugs and alcohol. She had lost a lot of the part of her we loved.
Last year she had left the man and got her shit together and reached out to Chocolate. I knew it was only a matter of time before I saw her again but was in no hurry. I had made a lot of changes through daygame, but I still had a long way to go to be able to handle Vanilla with the confidence and un-reactivity I wanted.
I saw her a couple of times for only a few minutes and was happy with my behavior. I gave her a hug, maintained strong eye contact, deep, slow voice, and strong stance and posture. But it was only for a few minutes. This weekend Vanilla was staying at Chocolate’s and I was also going there to see the kids so I was faced with the prospect of spending a few days with both of them. Here are some extracts from my journal:
I’m nervous to what will happen over the next few days with Chocolate and Vanilla. There are a lot of wounds and painful reference experiences. I felt in so much pain when she was there in the past. I am also not at a stage where I am any where near abundant, so I really have to lie and give off false signals to. Or do I?
Maybe get clear what I want: I am happy with my life. While I hope to grow old with her and for her to be my lifelong companion, right now I don’t want her to be my girlfriend. I still have personal issues to deal with I need to be single for – but I would fuck her in an instant.
That’s pretty good. That is honest and strong. If I can overcome my fear it will be a fun weekend. I can let go and just see how my new behavior takes over; push-pull, hot-cold, non-reactive, spiking, unavailable-available, lead.
Today has been good. Vanilla was good and I felt it was pretty easy between us. I felt a bit awkward, but that was mostly in myself, and my try-hard body language. I felt a bit conscious and awkward of my posture and my voice wasn’t as lively as I would like. I didn’t inflect my words, which was good, but I was too far to the extreme of low energy. I also noticed a number of times I wanted to jump in and talk, jump on the topic of conversation, but I could feel it was needy and attention seeking, so I was able to bite my tongue. In the past I’m sure I would have done more of this qualifying behavior.
Then when I did go to speak it was quite strong and confident and I was happy with the comments I did make. We just tease each other constantly. There is still so much attraction there. From now on when she asks me a stupid question, which is really only a funny attempt to tease, I need to be more commanding in not answering and either ignore her completely or just look at her very vacantly and say in my mind. “I know you are attracted to me and just trying to get my attention. It’s ok”. Or do a Raymond Redington from the Blacklist TV series and talk about a completely unrelated topic whenever asked a question.
I needed a break so went to my place to do some yoga and Paul McKenna’s hypnosis. I went into trance and was able to get a number of things clear in my mind. When it came to the part when he said to visualize “looking through the eyes of someone that loves you” it was very easy to imagine me as both of them see me. I was also able to see how much I enjoy the dynamics of the three of us. It’s what I want. Not now, but in the future. I then was instructed by the hypnosis to visualize my perfect scenario and I could see my dream property with Chocolate and Vanilla living there.
I had let go of this dream because the pain of wanting something I couldn’t have was too great, but spending time with the both of them again I realize it is still strong in me and a strong possibility in the future.
Today was a pretty cool day. I was able to practice a lot of the new behaviors I want to have regarding non-neediness or validation seeking behavior, not qualifying and just being in my own party. There were some nice moments. Me and Vanilla are very old friends with a lot of affection for each other, when we look into each other’s eyes there is a bond of shared experiences that we might not remember or come to mind, but the acceptance that we do have a bond and have affection for each other feels present. On Chocolate’s bed this morning with all the kids and Vanilla was nice. There are also times when we remember how similar we are in certain ways. It is like Chocolate is the mum and me and Vanilla are the two kids. Vanilla hasn’t come to me like she has in the past. I sort of expected her to isolate me and instigate an intimate encounter. She must be stand offish for whatever reason.
I have had this fantasy about getting her on her own in my car and then saying I have to pick something up from my place. And bringing her to my unit and then inviting her in, telling her to come and look at the view from my room and then trying to fuck her. Then someone asks me to drive just Vanilla with no kids to her place, so tomorrow I will have that opportunity. Part of it seems stupid because the likelihood of success is almost zero, but then the other part of me believes there is a reason for it if presented with the opportunity. I am afraid of it, so just that is good enough reason. It’s me being honest about my position and intentions. It also sets the frame for any future interactions and presents me as both a sexual threat and opportunity.
It’s like I have this mission today that I have to accomplish. I am fearful of pulling the trigger, fearful of doing what I feel I need to. Then I watch the final episode of Banchee Season 4 and one of the last scenes is so full on about soul mates, the women looks so much like Vanilla and the bond they share feels so much like the bond we share.
More than a coincidence? What are the spirits trying to show me? Just to feel. I just needed to experience what I felt at the time. Whatever needed to be done has been done. It was my emotional processing that needed to happen to get me right to be able to act the way I need to act. It also reminds me that I can let go. I don’t need to manipulate situations or try and “pull the trigger”. I just need to allow things to flow and do what I think is right at the time.
In the end plans changed and I didn’t get the opportunity to be alone with her. Overall I was happy with the few days. I hid my dick from Vanilla more than I wanted to, but was happy with most of my behavior. I was more masculine and less needy than I had ever been around her. She was very attracted, and now I know what IOI’s look like I can see what she was doing. I’m not sure if that had anything to do with my new behaviors or she would have still done that if I had behaved like a chode.
The only thing that I am disappointed about is that we didn’t have a moment. We didn’t have that time with just the two of us where we connected and hugged like old lovers. I didn’t think of it then, but as I left she was lying on the mattress on the floor. I could have laid on the floor with her and told her it was good to see her in such a good place and played with her hair and encouraged her to initiate a hug. But I will at another time. In meditation this morning I came up with that fantasy and felt the emotions from it. Perhaps we both did, haha.
What is also a bit weird is that I don’t feel that much about the weekend. I am ready to for a date tonight with a cute Columbian girl, in fact I am really excited about that, and hit the streets this week for daygame. I feel very happy to be single and very free of oneitis.