Went for a walk in the rainforest, as I do in my “daygame recovery”, and as often happens nature gives me insights. It’s not just about picking up girls and getting layed. It’s so much more.
It’s about the ability to get a lover on demand, but more importantly the way that confidence and “knowing” will change me. Make me an adorable bastard. It’s about finding me, finding the true me under the fear of women.
Why do I fear women? Because I need them, need their approval, need their affection, and need their “love”. I must have learnt a long time ago if I make them angry or get into confrontation with them then all these needs of approval and affection will be at risk.
Then when I was old enough to be sexual this made a challenging dynamic infinitely harder because now I had developed the strongest of human drives, procreation, and added it to an already shaky foundation of walking on egg shells around women so they wouldn’t retract the affection and approval I so needed.
So to change, I need to wind back the clock and stand in front of 1000’s of women with my heart in one hand and my dick in the other and say. “This is me, I am attracted to you, I need you for my affection and sexual needs and I am afraid to offend, upset or anger you in case you reject me and retract that which I desire so much”
Obviously I can’t use those words and need a more calibrated language sequence, but my eyes and body language can say those words. I need to be more vulnerable and I’m not sure of the order in which I am meant to do this. I need to get better at stacking assumptions and making women the main character of a beautiful fairy tale, but I need that to come from my heart, from a place of vulnerability and love.
- I could get really real and vulnerable with women and hand my heart over 1000 times and hope to reduce the fear of women through mere exposure. Then from a stronger place start to get better at technique
- I could get really good at the skills of game and just push through, allowing my proficiency as a seducer to reduce the fear. Then once I have “proved” myself as a competent in pick up, start to get vulnerable and honest and work on the fear.
A sounds like the higher road, but B sounds like the more practical. In any case I will probably do both. Listening to Johnny Berba on a podcast last night and he is really big on “radical honesty”. I liked this and believed what he said about being really honest and vulnerable opens up a part of you that can learn without being taught.
My experience with getting clean and finding a higher power demonstrated the amazing benefits of getting honest, humble and vulnerable. Meeting and sleeping with women is as close to “God” as I ever feel, for me it is a truly spiritual encounter.
I have seen a lot of PUA’s get desensitised to the sex and just want new challenge and new pussy. This is not what I want. I don’t need another addiction. I want power and abundance. I want to grow as a man and care for my spirit and build connections with beautiful women and share our bodies, hearts and mind (and preferably in that order). Radical honesty is eventually what I will need if not already what I need.
I watched the 1966 PUA classic Alfi the other day. There is some strong behavior but there is also some emptiness. Relationships and connection with other humans are pretty high on the list of what makes for a fulfilling life. A persona or set of adopted behaviours may help to form the “me” I want to be, but in the end I need to allow my soul to be the centrepiece of my personality.