Hard day in-field for my coaching session. Whatever it was my “vibe” wasn’t where it needed to be. To add to that, I was made acutely aware of my deficiencies in assumption stacking and improvisation. Part of me says improv is not a skill I will ever be good at, and this may be true, but it is certainly something I can get better at. It feels too flowery and is so different from what I am used to in my conversation and I am tempted to say it is just not me. But if I was to practice it and get a little bit good at it then it might become me and I might find I really like it.
Points from my coaching session
Ian suggested I was coming in a bit close to the girl and could create more distance and then further into the set use moving in as a test for attraction. I need to come at a wider angle not so close to the girl and have my arm stretched out more to create distance, make eye contact as I get at a 45 degree angle to her and then swivel around. This made sense as regularly I scare the girl as I swivel around to open her and this small technical change would fix that.
I tried a few approaches this way and it felt much better, I feel my eye contact and smile is the strongest part of my game so to get this in half way through the approach sets things up much better. For some reason I am shy to keep my hand outstretched and always pull it in a bit quick. By not feeling confident enough to keep my arm out for that second or two longer there is sub communication here that I don’t feel worthy to stop her. That is harder to change, but I will try faking it till I make it.
I had been opening with. “Excuse me. Can I tell you something really quickly……..” Ian suggested that I could use. “Excuse me, I know this is a bit random but….” Or “Excuse me, I know this is a bit crazy but….”.
I had heard the “random” opener before but because it was a word I would never use I wasn’t comfortable with it. But “crazy” I use all the time and it was much more congruent with what I was actually doing. In my core I believed stopping girls in the street was crazy.
So I gave this a try on a few approaches and it felt much better. Of all the daygame literature I had read, I can’t believe that no one had mentioned this or that “Can I tell you something” was more popular. Regularly girls had looked at me stupidly wondering what all this was about until I got to the “you look nice part”. But with “I know this is a bit crazy” it’s not only the words, it’s the mind set with which I say them, these words change my smile and my eye contact so it’s much more direct flirty and fun. I got bigger smiles with much less confusion and the married women just said they were married straight away which also makes it much more time efficient.
Ian said my voice was good and the opposite of most beginners was that if anything I spoke too slow, but said not to worry about that too much. I use my eyes a lot in the opener and often get women’s eyes locked on me, and use this slow deep voice to assist that, but it’s possible that I am over-cooking them and freaking them out with this “eye-mesmer” so might need to back off a little.
He also recommended not pausing so much between the compliment and the assumptions, to be honest I think I do this so I can have time to think, or probably worse still, I am looking to see if I get a reaction, assessing if they like me or not and sub-communicating neediness. Hopefully this will improve as I get more experienced in set and less outcome dependent on the girls reaction.
Now we get to the challenging part that I know I was weak on, but to have someone else point it out makes it all the more a bitter pill to swallow. I regularly run out of things to say and say “So what are you doing today?” I knew this was not a good line. But to hear someone else tell me was the “death of daygame” made it all more real and now something I am committed to getting better at.
It was already part of my daygame exercises I had created for myself, but because they were hard I weaseled my way out of them. Funnily enough it felt easier to approach girls than spend time training in what I was going to say to them.
I found this video on youtube, which probably gives me everything I need. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyewCrwQ9JQ Now I just need to do the work.
At the end of the day I recorded Ian’s comments on what I needed to do to improve.
Here is a report Ian emailed me the following day:
Hey Mickey, was good yesterday, hope you enjoyed it. Here’s my feedback for you…
Ratings out of 10:
EYE CONTACT: 8 (really good early contact. It’s important to hold eye contact for the first 20-30 seconds which you are doing)
SMILE / SMIRK: 8 (again really good cheeky smile as you approach)
VOICE PITCH: 7 (Over all very good, just a tiny hint of voice inflection when responding to certain things but really nothing to worry about, this will soon completely go the more approaches you do)
VOICE SPEED: 8 (Really good, if anything like I said perhaps just slightly too slow at the start which is rare. In particular make sure there’s no gap between the compliment and stack/telling her what you noticed about her.)
VOICE VOLUME: 8 (All good)
DOMINANCE: 7 (Good, strong positive stops and voice)
OPENING / STOP: 9 (once you started using your hand and giving the girl a little more space this was really good. Keep this up. This combined with the early eye contact and cheeky smile is gold)
STACKING: 6 (Try to avoid asking many questions until the girl has hooked. Have some back up assumptions you can use on any girl. You’re not looking to get them right, you’re just looking to spark things, get her to smile/laugh a bit and start talking a bit about herself and then work with what she’s giving you.)
TEASING / SPIKING: 5 (I didn’t hear that much teasing. You did tease the Thai girl a bit though. Don’t be afraid to really tease and accuse the girl, you can get away with so much with the right cheeky smile, and you’ve got that cheeky smile down so play around with teasing a lot more)
CHALLENGING: 4 (I didn’t hear much challenging. Don’t be afraid to say to her that something sounds boring if you think it’s boring or ask her why on earth she decided to study accounting for instance. Try mixing this up such as “Accounting… really, why on earth did you choose to study something so boring (very challenging, push), you don’t have a boring face, you look far too much fun and creative to be studying accounting (compliment, pull/on).
IDENTIFYING TOPIC: 6 (Not bad but at times you were missing things. I remember one girl said she was studying business within the first minute of the interaction but you moved straight on to ask something else. It’s important early on in the interaction to be using the topics that come up rather than asking questions looking for more)
RAPPORT: 7 (seemed fine with the girls I heard that went into the rapport phase. You were telling them a few things about yourself which is good, helps to ground the interaction so the girl walks away not just thinking that was a fun, but also knows a bit about you.)
CLOSING: 6 (Good persistence with Thai girl. Slightly weak close on the Filipino girl. Just needs a little work. Close in a way that presumes the close, i.e…”listen I need to head off as I have to meet a friend, but you seem nice, another time let’s go for a drink”.. then take your phone out of your pocket)
FINAL SUMMARY OF THINGS TO WORK ON….
Overall you’re way ahead of where most guys are after roughly 300 approaches, so you should be really pleased. I’m confident it won’t take long before you’re seeing good results. For now I would just focus on a few key areas…
- Keep using the hand and giving that extra bit of space with the stop.
- Removing the pause between the compliment and what you noticed about her.
- Come up with your own 2 or 3 generic assumptions that you can always use on any girl. Your assumptions should be about either what she does, what she’s doing right now or what she looks like. i.e. she looks very Spanish, she looks very creative, she looks very relaxed, ‘I loved the way you were speeding along the street like you’d just robbed a bank and making a fast get away, I bet your bag (point at her bag) is stuffed with cash’..
Whatever she says in reply you can still play along with this role play. Playfully tease and accuse then roll into whatever topic she’s given you. But when you start off with something like this you can refer back to her as a bank robber now and then during the interaction.
But just come up with some stuff that works for you, that you feel comfortable with.